The One With All The Confidence

In life confidence is paramount.

When I first became a barista I had very little confidence in making coffee. It was a new job, I didn't know what I was doing and the first shop I worked at provided little to no training. After working at several shops (non that would not be considered specialty coffee), I was pretty confident I could work anywhere that served coffee.

The Dripolator, in Black Mountain, NC changed that for me. I walked into that shop very full of myself. I was convinced that I could do anything that was thrown my way. Then, I saw my very first Rosetta. I was no longer confident in my skills whatsoever. I was determined at that point to be the best. My Grandmother used to tell me that old saying, "If you're going to be a ditch digger, be the best ditch digger you can be", or something along those lines. SO, I did.

I became a youtube junkie! I watched every video on latte art I could find. From free pour to etching, throw downs to regional competitions! I went as far as to purchase a $70 training video dedicated strictly to latte art.

My coffee knowledge grew, my art got better and before I knew it I was the best in the shop and winning our throw downs! I started training others and helping them to improve their skills. My confidence in coffee was higher than ever! So much so I started competing in regionals and landed better jobs with larger and higher quality shops and roasters.

In my personal life I am damn confident, at least that's the front I put on. On any given day I could really care less what people think about me, unless you're a good looking guy that catches my eye, then I  do my best to act like I don't care what you think, while trying to get you to think about me.

Here's the kicker; as long as I am behind the bar, I'm fine. I am charismatic, funny, intriguing, flirtatious, calm, cool, collected and above all confident; however, the moment I step out from behind the counter my spine turns to jelly and I get goosepimply all over. My composure is non existent and I go into that very uncomfortable realm of trying too hard. Once in that realm there's no coming back. My mind begins to race and I immediately feel guilty for all the times I've judged and ridiculed others for their interactions with the opposite sex. The hope is that on the outside, I am portraying confidence, not the extreme fear of rejection.

Let me preface the upcoming story with this; I have been divorced for 3 years. I have dated one guy, and that wasn't until this past year, before then I lived in yoga pants and did nothing for my appearance, the vibe I was putting out was, "stay away"! Since then, I've come back to reality - form fitting clothing, showers, make up and confidence.

At work when I pull a perfect extraction of espresso, pour a perfect rosetta, glide through jamming out 30 tickets with no long ticket times and every one walks away happy, I have the overwhelming sensation of, "I'm good at this". It's probably the way Kobe Bryant feels when he scores for the Lakers and makes the perfect pass, perfect three pointer, etc. Just over flowing with confidence.

Also at work, the few women there have come up with an awesome name for the customers that we think are good looking, they are our "crushtomers". Given that I work 50-60 hours per week I don't get out much, work it where I meet people.

Well, in short, I mustered up all the confidence in my being to ask one of my crushtomers to hang out with me outside of the shop. Jimmeny Crickets!!! First, I felt empowered and, of course confident! Then I immediately regretted the decision and fell into the awkward realm. Worst of all, I was so ambiguous about the invitation, I'm not even sure he realized what my intentions were. Regardless, confidence went right down the drain. Why can't this be as easy as pouring a five heart tulip in a six ounce cappuccino cup?

Regardless of what happens, I feel as though life is full of unknowns and challenges, therefore, risks and rejection are what help us as individual grow into where we're suppose to be... which is right where my feet are, the here and the now. I mean, c'mon, what would've happened if years ago I had no confidence to try competing at Latte Art Challenges? I wouldn't know where to improve on my craft, I wouldn't know how to maintain my composure and move with grace and dignity while competing. Now, if my crushtomer could just give me a score sheet on how I did: points I missed, skill set, presentation and where to improve, I can get more practice and try again next time. Too bad there's no $70 instructional video on this on Amazon.